Summer is by far, my favourite time of year. I adore the warm nights, I love going to the beach and I love that everyone is out and about. Unfortunately, summer doesn’t always love me. It’s the ultimate catch 22 – I’m out all the time socialising, eating and drinking and yet I want to feel great in my bathers the following day. I want to wear short denim shorts that make my mother embarrassed of me and all the boys stare. I want to effortlessly turn up to a lunch after one hell of a night out and not have to wear my ‘fat’ dress. I also want said ‘fat’ dress to be Dolce and Gabbana, but I know I can’t have everything (yet). However, I know I can have the former, as I know all about the secret – HYPOXI.
I have been lucky enough to use HYPOXI in the past – you may have read about my first world weight complaints here and my obnoxious results here. I know there’s only ever been one thing I’ve tried, aside from the old ‘eating well, get enough sleep, exercise regularly blah blah blah’ that’s worked for me before, and that is these magic machines that I will tell anyone that will listen about. I have a love/hate relationship with working out, as in I hate working out but I love the results. I never quite get over the mental hump of seeing exercise as hard work and really hate having to push further than a pilates class here and there. I walk a lot, so I wouldn’t say I’m completely inactive but you certainly won’t find me glowing from some stupid ‘Hollywood’ session at F45. Rather, you’ll find me putting in the minimum output hoping for the maximum result. And funnily enough, HYPOXI allows me to do just that.
Now, before I brag through my HYPOXI journey, I’ll explain what it is for those that are already thinking I’m the most shallow person in the world, as it’s suitable for so many people that aren’t as vain as I (and boy, am I vain) (Jokes). HYPOXI is a low-impact exercise method that is up to 3 x more effective at burning stubborn fat than traditional exercise. AND it significantly reduces cellulite. It does this, through vacuum and compression technology, combined with healthy eating. So, it basically super-charges your natural system that’s already doing the best it can by putting the focus on your tummy, waist, thighs and butt. You can watch a little explainer here, yet unless you’re planning on inventing your own machine, that’s all you need to know.
So my journey began before Christmas. I thought an ultimate test would have to be the Christmas period – I’d be out and about during the silly season, I’d be drinking and it’s obviously rude to say no to canapes, so I’d be indulging. Unless you’re one of those annoying people with self control, there’s no way anyone comes out of the silly season feeling good, so if I could achieve that with HYPOXI, I could achieve anything. And with the body I had hoped to walk away with, I could also achieve anyONE.
Embarking on 12 sessions in 3 weeks, I hit the ground running. Or in HYPOXI talk, laying down in the massage suit and lightly cycling while my blood was stimulated. And yes, I’m fully aware of how that sounds. The gorgeous girls Caroline and Ali at HYPOXI Martin Place were amazing and talked through every aspect of the treatment – beginning with measurements and a weigh-in, as numbers don’t quite lie like my Spanx do. Each session for me consisted of 20 minutes in the ‘Vacunaut’ and 30 minutes on the ‘S120’. This is the ultimate way to experience HYPOXI, as it helps stimulate your cells, target your cellulite and get you ready to get the most out of the bike – and if you don’t believe me yet, just enjoy the absolutely divine massage it gives you.
The suit is awkward at first to get on – you’re not quite sure how to do it elegantly and you think ‘how is this actually helping me?’ yet once the air bubbles start releasing, you really don’t care. You just let your mind drift off to how short those shorts can be after this and how you’ve gone this long wearing pants. It’s almost a shame when you hear the beep telling you time is up – not just because you have to leave the lazy massage suit but because you’ll now have to cycle.
For the cycle, you pop on your neoprene skirt, jump on the unicycle and wait for the machine to air-lock around you. That sentence was as weird to write as it was to do in real life, yet it becomes such second nature that to me it’s totally normal now. The girls will let you know what speed to stay at and to keep your heart rate around a particular number, but other than that, you lightly cycle while reading a magazine, stalking someone on Instagram or watching a show on your phone. I got super into ‘Tamara’s World‘ and believe me, once you get sucked into that show, 30 minutes it up before you can say ‘Fifi’.
The one question I get asked about HYPOXI is what’s the catch? And generally, people like to think the catch is in the food. The rules are you can’t eat for 2 hours after your session, then for the following 4 hours (so, your next meal) you can’t have carbs. I usually hear ‘oh well there it is! You’re not eating!’ which I strongly argue back with you wouldn’t eat 2 hours after a workout anyway, which could be a commute to work or a meeting, and then if you make lunch on HYPOXI days a salad or just something without carbs, is that so hard? The short answer is no, it’s not so hard and no, the food is not the ‘catch’. The one thing that will hurt you a little is the coffee ban. Yep, you read that correctly – no coffee and no alcohol on HYPOXI days. You can have a little coffee a few hours before your session if you’re a die-hard Italian that needs an espresso or an alcoholic that kicks off the day with a G&T. Reason for this is coffee is a stimulant and takes all the focus off your ass and into your heart, which you don’t want after spending 50 minutes in the studio.
HYPOXI give you some great food suggestions, as you start to believe you’re a Masterchef coming up with all these inventions that are tasty enough without carbs. The two I’m most proud of are my turkey burgers and some mince cabbage thing – obviously names need some work but the taste certainly doesn’t.
You’ll be measured half way through your HYPOXI program, which is so unbelievably helpful to keep you on track. You might not be feeling it yet, you might want to get drunk at brunch or you just might be over having to wake up early for your sessions – whatever it is, it’s nice to see results in cold, hard facts. At the half way mark, I was 18.2 cms down and if I wasn’t vain and showy enough already, I sure was then.
From the half way point on, the rest of the sessions are a joy. You know it’s working, you start to feel a little smaller and your clothes are feeling comfortable again. I was so excited for my final measurements because I knew there was a difference in my body – I wasn’t shuddering when spontaneously invited to the beach, I was surprisingly confident/brazen when getting a spray tan and I didn’t have that much of an issue running from the bathroom to my room with the window open – you know, the small things. Over the silly season and without working out, I managed to lose 23 cms from my body with the biggest difference coming in at the waist with 5 cms gone – and I did it all by lying down in a massage suit and watching ‘Tamara’s World’.
HYPOXI would suit that bride-to-be that wants to get ready before those first dress fittings, the new mother that’s too busy and exhausted to do too much, someone that’s unable to workout in the traditional way due to an injury or like me, who traditionally doesn’t work out. I know it can look scary and I know it seems hard to believe, yet when you see for yourself on paper what you’ve lost thanks to sticking to the program, you too will become neoprene-skirt-wearing, massage-suit-loving, no-carb-eating HYPOXI preacher too.